2019

i guess i made it back just in time for the 2019 posts.

i don't have a legitimate excuse for the previous hiatus. u kno it was already the usual being an uninspired lazy bitch hiding away by scrolling thru instagram n twitter instead. but 2018 ended n its time to reflect.

2018. a year that lasted a longer than it seems, but ended almost too quick in a blink of an eye. a lot better than 2017. a lot of convincing myself i was happy, but wasn't actually. a year that was filled:

with vodka shots n glasses of white wine. elevators that smelled like a hint of take out n weed. crying all night, crying all day, crying in ubers, n crying from laughing. falling out of love n finding new crushes online to obsess with. swiping right in hopes of finding that Spark again. day drinking picnics  under the sun at the park n throwing up in the party's bathroom as charli xcx played on the speakers. spending too much on unif n not even getting sponsored while barely having a job. plane rides to la n plane rides to new york. losing myself in a never ending identity crisis. bleaching hair until it all falls out. overcoming my fear of commitment with a tattoo. roof top parties in between skyscrapers where everyone peed on said roof under the stars. rejection, rejection, rejection, n being left on read. roommate cutting bangs with school scissors in the bathroom. becoming besties with the person who i thought was the love of my 17 year old life. 35mm point n shoots. swimming between the malibu hills with skies of pinks, purples, n oranges. officially becoming an adult. scrambling my last few dollars for my nicotine addiction. fake flirting n even faker relationships. standing in the cold shower with the window slightly open, pouring blood all over my dress on halloween like a prom queen gone wrong. coming to terms that mayb i am too old for shows now. saving anal for marriage. beating teen pregnancy. feelings of being all alone while making the most new friends i ever had.

this wasn't the entire year, but looking back 2018 wasn't all bad. at least it wasn't 2017. n there was some real growth like not needing to cry every time i was drunk. it was my last year as a teenager n i'll treasure it forever. the ups n downs. the push n pull of adolescence n adulthood. using my fake to pass as twenty-one while also wanting to be seven again. but here's to forever wishing that it was still 2014 when my only issue was how to become joanna kutcha.

xoxo