the future

growing up sucks. 

but like seriously.

its 2am and im having a crisis! this is fun! i love adulthood! no but really, WHAT THE FUCK am i doing. everyone feels like they're destined to do something great and big, but i mean we need normal people to in order to make these things sound great and big. (its shitty i kno but this is the world we live in) so like what if im just one of the mediocre people. i mean obviously i am still funnier than most of them, but STILL.

somebody just discover me already.

i don't know. i thought i wanted to major in something fashion related but who doesn't do that now in days and im not even a designer. so i figured ill major in writing, but like even my writing sucks. and did sosadtoday even go to college? i doubt it. and like everything i wanna do it seems like i don't need a degree for it, but im already a semester sucked in and i don't want to disappoint my family.

sorry mom. 

as of now my dream is to travel the world spending a year or two in different countries, cities, whatever it may be. i just want to be pretty and carefree doing whatever i want whenever i want. i can't have something boring like a 9-5, i will literally die. but i mean i can't even have this for the rest of my life. i kno i always said i never wanted a husband or children, but what if. i mean i still think it will all end in tears, but what if one day it doesn't. how will i be able to support them? how will i even be able to have this? 

i don't think running away is healthy but i feel like its something im destined to do. 

at this moment i feel like my best option is to bartend, that job seems stable enough to afford a studio apartment wherever i happen to be. i think. but what about when im 36? 42? 64? will i ever make it that old? i doubt it. i truly believe i will die at 25 because i cannot picture myself as a function adult, but when has life ever gone my way?

i also want to be a therapist. i like giving advice and i want to learn more about psych anyways. i also feel like that would be a cool godfather aesthetic. but like how am i supposed to help others when i can barely help myself? lots of people have told me id be good, but i don't think so. it also doesn't fully allow me to create art in any type of platform anyways.

everybody believes in me except for me.

im not even quite sure why i decided to post this on here. i feel like its crucial to my blog in some weird way, but i guess i feel like some of you might relate? if i even have any readers? i don't fucking know.

i really wish i did.

life is scary and i drank too many shots of expresso as a way to stay up so i can finish my essay on plato, but now im stuck in my thoughts and can't seem to find a way out. my fingers are typing so fast trying to catch up with the words, but as i have been saying throughout this: i don't fucking know anything.

i mean why should i decide my life at 18 when i make stupid decisions like giving unif my entire checkings and savings account on tiny skirts when nyc will be in 40 degree weather for the next 3-4 months. or like its embarrassing how much anxiety and effort goes into deciding whether or not i should post something on instagram. 

i wish i taken a gap year, but i feel like a year isn't even enough time to decide what i want. i wish someone would just decide for me so i can blame someone else when im unhappy with my life. i mean obviously im better at complaining than anything else.

i just wish i didnt feel like i was wasting my time, energy, and my moms money on a degree when i might not even end up with a career that needs it? i mean everyone is pressured to get one because of the huge population growth and demand for jobs. so maybe its useful. but i just don't think its for me. but im even more scared of being a dropout. 

why can't climate change just wipe us all out already? ive had enough.