what we had

i wrote this exactly a year and five days ago at time that i decided to be more vulnerable in my writing n life. i never posted it because i never got to finish it n ill never finish it, but i wanted to share even if its no longer relevant.


just like heaven 

i am a sucker for love songs, but happen to be deeply afraid of love that is anything but platonic. maybe i can blame it on my parents divorce and most people i know. or maybe i can blame it on the fact that ive watched (500) days of summer way toooooo many times. either way, feelings scare me. but im obsessed with the idea of having someone being obsessed with me. it feeds my ego and i live off it. its horrible, im horrible, i know. 

best coast also happens to be my favorite band but literally all of her lyrics are about her being sad over someone she loves. so i was not down. i saw that nothing good could ever come out of relationships so i ran. i hated myself, but not enough to put myself through that. but then of course a boy comes and i swear it was like the song boys by sky ferreira, which also happens to be ironic because i met him at her amoeba show. 

anyways two years later from that show, we start a relationship all thanks to twitter and instagram. #moderndayromance. almost 9 months into that relationship i confess my love for him, but sadly not in mla format. its strange. i didn't know i was capable of feeling that. its weird. and im still afraid. but im happier than i ever been. its comforting to know that theres someone out there that truly loves me, but even better knowing that i love him back and that he's my best friend. 

****

its crazy that in just one year so many things can change, while a few things never do. i don't know if i still feel this way, i hope i don't. im still scared to fall in love because now i know for a fact that the pain that comes afterward is heart shattering, world stopping, and life changing. but i also know that  it is possible to get through it no matter how long it takes.

im not saying this is exactly how i still feel about the boy. in all honestly, i don't know how i feel about him anymore. but i guess i just think letting out old thoughts and feelings is a closer step to letting go and recovery. i don't know if he still reads my blog, if he does:

first, hey big head.... just kidding

second, im sorry i didnt say i love you sooner when i knew before you even told me that you loved me that i was already head over heels in love with you

lastly, this isn't me trying to get you back or interfere with your life. i just really hope that you're happy and if you're not that you can get there one day even if im no longer with you.

and if he never sees this so what. this isn't about him, but rather letting go and growing. i know the next time i fall in love wont be as innocent as this, but that doesn't mean it wont be just as great, or even greater. my whole life is an independent indie film so i shouldnt even worry about it not being able to measure up. i know im not as happy as i was when i wrote this, but i also do know that im slowly getting back to that on my own and that is all that matters.

xoxo