lonely blue

last weekend i hopped off the plane at lax with a dream n my wolf t shirt. i maxed out my credit card n was back in california for tropicalia.

 saturday n sunday were both warm n sunny filled with pink skies reflecting back onto the bay. it was a break from the cool breezes that've been painting my cheeks a rosy shade of red. but the break wasn't long enough. four hours after getting back from the fest, i was already on the drive back to the airport. 

i won't necessary talk about the sets from this weekend. i mean i crowd surfed during kids n almost got in a fight during surf curse n was confused as fuck bc idk clairos brand (i thought she was dream pop diy queen? why is she trying to pull off a snail mail/hannah montana pop star image? no tea no shade) n started the slow mosh at no vacation n accidentally ended up in the middle of a smoke sesh during triathlon, but thats besides the point. the real story is i spent my weekend back home with my besties <3

no, but frfr, i am now realizing how much i miss home. the past three months have been amazing n usually im so happy i was able to get thousands miles away from home, but for some strange reason im longing to go back to that small apartment in the suburbs of los angeles. my family life is really messy, so i don't think its necessary that i miss That, but more so just being surrounded by people who bring joy n warmth.

the city is lonely n its easy to lose urself in the midst of the crowds walking down 14th street. there's people around u at all times, but the skyscrapers are a constant reminder of how small u are compared to everything else meaning: u don't mean shit! the corruption, the loudness, the mustiness usually welcome me with arms wide open making me swear that new york city is the best place in the world. but after returning home for a quick second to sunny california only to come back to a foggy grayscale train ride from newark to penn station with a drizzle rain, i've been feeling nothing but sadness!

the sadness is also mixed with some annoyance that i can't seem to put into words. its like everything n nothing is bothering me which only leads me to isolating myself n getting upset when nobody realizes what im doing. but i mean i even cried on the bus ride back to my dorm yesterday n not a single person seemed to care. but hey thats new york for u n public breakdowns are nothing new.

xoxo