boys

im a firm believer in filling the void with reassurance, attention, n validation. its why i have a tinder. i get off on swiping right on strangers who have also swiped right on me n having conversations that takes days to reply to. i mean ill even go out with some of these people. but then im ultimately left with no other option then to avoid them in my dorm elevator, dining hall, n washington square park.

 i kno it never works n most of the time leaves me feeling more empty but i do it anyways. i need to talk to boys i don't care about from tinder or anywhere out of boredom. i feel content n a rush for about a week or so. n then we slowly ghost each other, nobody's feelings are hurt, n we like each other's tweets/ig posts like its no biggy n we didnt just intensely flirt 2 weeks ago. i mean one even said hi to me at a concert with a huge ass smile totally ignoring the fact that i was still waiting for him to reply n this time i didnt double message him like we both have done before.

its a pattern that has happened more than than i would like to admit, but its always with boys i kno ill never date. still, i do the whole "talking" stage anyways. or mayb they don't even see it as talking n i blow it to be that big bc im full of myself. but the point is, i only ever put myself out there with mediocre boys. n i kno thats hurtful to say, but to me thats what they are. n i don't let myself fall for them bc of stupid stuff like being the wrong genre of an indie bitch, using emojis not ironically, sending too many memes, wearing skinny jeans, not being the type of skater boy thats also kinda artsy, or being Too nice (believe me its possible).

i even had whole ass fake relationships with some of these boys even tho i kno ill never Actually like like them.

i kno any normal girl would overlook these things bc most of them r nice boys with a big heart n all that bullshit, but i just cannot! i need to date someone who is the best bc i am the Best n that means i need a guy version of me right? but i mean i already tried that out n it didnt work for whatever reason, so mayb its time i give the local boys a chance? at least ill kno ill always b the cooler one in that case.

but is it even wrong of me for wanting someone w the same interests n personality as me? i don't necessarily think so, i feel like we would work better than someone who i find cringey. but i mean theres the whole concept of using others for character development n i have a bad(?) habit of turning those around me into knock off versions of myself so i could always do that. still i don't want to do that. i want a boyf who is already cool! why should i have to put the extra work into changing him?

n for some reason, when cool boys talk to me i don't kno how to act. i get intimidated n feel like ill say the wrong thing even tho i Kno they're not as cool as i actually think they are. but thats also why i don't wanna talk to them. i rather admire from afar then realize they're not who i want them to be n left w the disappointment that he's just one of those mediocre boys disguised as my dream boy.

mayb this is all i coping mechanism bc im afraid of getting hurt again. i mean i even feel more comfortable having one night stands than getting the guy's number before he leaves thanking me for the nice night. but its always bc of tiny stupid stuff that i kno shouldn't matter like the shoes he's wearing! still i can't bring myself to fall for someone like that. its like the tru sagittarius in me refuses to let me get attached n all of my feelings are finally turned off.

i dont kno my mind is a mess n i want a boyf. but not a real one.

xoxo